Sunday Reflections: The Search for Positivity

This past week has put a lot of things in perspective, including the fact that I am someone who seriously needs to start focusing on the positive things in my life.  I need to be more grateful, more thankful, and more concerned with making myself happy and keeping myself that way.  I need to start cutting out the negativity and negative influences and people in my life, cutting out the toxic and start focusing on surrounding myself with people who want to see me grow, see me flourish and strive to leave a more positive impact on the world. 

Last week was rough all around, and in all honesty, I know not every day can be filled with rainbows and unicorns, but that doesn't mean that I can't find something positive that happens each and every day.  I have mentioned before in a previous post that I spend time every day considering the entries that go into my gratitude log each day for every month.  That is a big, big part of my evening routine.  I am thinking of maybe adding a RAK (Random Act of Kindness) tracker to my bullet journal each week and maybe do at least 3 RAKs a week - that don't usually cost too much money.  I will have to think about what I could add to the trackers, maybe keep some of them the same and change out a few ideas.  What ideas do you have to add to a RAK list? 

I spent most of today just zoning out and allowing my body to reboot from the absolute chaos that I've been dealing with.  Even this evening, I know there are things I should be doing, however, they are not important to bringing some peace to my cluttered mental state at the moment.  I am thinking, however, that I will be changing my bedsheets before I go to bed - something fresh for me to curl upon.  Or maybe I will change them tomorrow since I think it has been a couple of weeks since I put the sage ones on.  

Anyway, I do have a new vlog up on my youtube channel - it is from last Wednesday, something short.  I still have the one from Friday to edit and that one will hopefully *fingers crossed* go up on Tuesday because I'm going to sit and edit it tomorrow after work.  

I think that might be all I have for you today without getting into too much personal crap that is really not suitable for the blog or the vlog.  So, I'm going to toss my headphones on with some meditation sounds and go do a little bit of meditation.  Have a fantastic day and I'll see you for Tuesday's post! 

-Caedy

Tuesday Thoughts: Anxiety Can Kiss My Butt

A post on the go today because typing on a regular keyboard is killing my hands.  I am currently in my brace because my neuropathy is flaring badly. 

This however is not the main part of my anxiety at this point in time.  No, today's anxiety attack is cause by attempting to find a doctor that I can get into like as soon as possible.  I need to get into a doctor because I am almost out of my nerve medication.  Without it I will spend most of my days in pain and be nearly useless because I cannot function when my hands are on fire and I cannot hold things. 

My day started easily enough when I started making phone calls.  The first place I called it took 40 min to get through and then I get told that they only do same day appointments and we're booked for today and I could try back tomorrow.  Then I called the original PCP that I had been assigned to and they we're booked for new patients straight through till April or May.  This is not acceptable as I am out of meds come Wednesday or Thursday if I ration. 
Mind you at this point I have changed my PCP to a new one at the health department.  So I call them and ultimately find out that the PCP I had been reassigned to only deals with HIV/AIDS patients and is only in the office two times a month.  So I try another office and finally find a place that got me in tomorrow morning at 1030.

I am ready to breakdown and find a therapist and get this crap dealt with.  I have spent most of the day currently edgy and snapping at people and crying for no reason.  I am exhausted and in all honesty disgusted with myself because I cannot actually deal with this anymore. 

I usually try and keep things a little less personal but this is starting to actively impact my daily life and I cannot function like this.  I need to figure this out and actually get my shit in line.  I have actually been somewhat triggery all weekend and yesterday.  Now it has pretty much been coming to a point especially because of what I had to deal with this morning. 

Now I am watching some NCIS because this is my comfort show and to be honest I have seen most of the early seasons so I don't need to really focus. 

That is about all I have for you today.  For now,  I bid you all a good evening and I will hopefully have something less serious for you tomorrow.